dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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