seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
