Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize