Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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