the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
honey bunches of taint.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
