Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
