ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
