this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
