Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize