fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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