im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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