god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
