I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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