Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
