i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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