There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
