Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
What drink are we having for lunch?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
