I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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