Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
