I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
