Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
you inspire me to be a worse person
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
