Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
