Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
