She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
