I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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