My liver just broke up with me...
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
