i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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