Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
