Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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