I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
