Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
