Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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