I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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