'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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