Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
