Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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