When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
