Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
