SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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