I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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