He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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