i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
