Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
