I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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