feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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