Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
