this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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