so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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