If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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