How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm just crazy horny about you
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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