i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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