If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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