i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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