Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
