we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
