Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
